flying

I use to dream that I could fly.  That if I thought long enough on happy thoughts, my feet would lift off the ground.  I use to look for fairies underneath flowers, and loved to catch lightning bugs because they were the closest thing that I could find to a fairy.  Whenever I walked into the woods I would close my eyes and breath in the smell, and pretend that there were elves hiding  just around the corner.   I use to walk to find the end of the rainbow, so that the pot of gold would be mine.  Sometimes when the happy thoughts didn’t work, I would take an umbrella and jump out of the trees. 

 

Make-believe worlds are amazing because you can be anything you want to be, and do whatever you want.   Dreams don’t seem impossible when you are young, because there is no grey area.  It always seems to be more complicated when you are a grown-up, there are more strings attached.  I use to swing so high and with no fears or doubts I’d  jump off at the highest point.  I was ready to fly.  Looking back it’s a miracle I never killed myself doing that.    

 

Sometimes I’d lay on the ground and just look up into the sky and watch the clouds.  I use to imagine that I could fly up and lay on the clouds and eat them like cotton candy.  I imagined a castle in the sky, like Jack in the Beanstalk, a whole new land to explore.  Stories waiting to unfold.   I use to lay on the grass with dew falling all around, looking up at the stars.  Connecting them to make an image, or wondering who else was looking at that same star as I was. 

 

Now I’m in a world that any decision could build up a dream or tear it down.  Where I can fly to another land, or jump out of a plane.   To explore new areas, or grow in what I believe.  To learn new ideas and cultures.  Where fairies turn into all the possibilities of where my life will go. 

 

I’m ready to fly.

 

 

 

simply beautiful

I seem to say this a lot, but time is moving so quickly.  

I love autumn.  I love how the air becomes chilly, and the leaves turn colour and fall to the ground.  I love the feeling of going outside and raking up the leaves into a huge pile. Or the crunch of the leaves underneath your feet as you walk on them, I love that noise.   I love the smoke that you can smell in the air, knowing that somewhere in town someone has  bonfire blazing.  Or walking into the house and you can smell cookies baking, or something  warm and inviting welcoming you in, I love that.  I love the feeling  you get when you have a nice warm cup of coffee or tea and it just warms you on the inside, or when you make homemade soup and bread.  I love snuggling under a blanket to get warm and reading a book.  All those little things make me smile.  All those things I love.

There’s a mother and daughter who come into the store every once in a while every week.  The daughter has down syndrome and the mother is absolutely lovely.  Everytime I see them come into the store I just smile, because the love that they have for each other is apparent and they are just so lovely.   The daughter I’ll always give her a smile and in response her face just lights up and she grins from ear to ear, a genuine, pure smile.  One that can’t be faked or forced.  A smile that could light a up room because it’s that beautiful.

Another man comes into the store and he always has a bit of a stern look to him.  Once in a while he’ll come back to the deli and ask gruffly for some meat.  I’ll gladly wait on him, just to get him to smile.  Cause when he smiles his whole face crinkles up, and a bashful look overcomes him.  But when he does smile it is lovely, but you have to capture it in your head cause once he leaves the counter he returns to his stern look. 

I love when people smile.  I love seeing people happy and carefree, genuinely enjoying life or some moment that just made them forget their troubles for that little bit of time.  I love the feeling you get when you can get someone to smile, or laugh.  The joy it brings. 

Cause when you genuinely smile, you aren’t thinking about your worries, or what’s happening….all you can feel is joy or happiness. 

It just makes that moment simply beautiful.

When The Smile Doesn’t Quite Reach

How can a person decide on one specific thing to do for the rest of their life?   I love music, I love performing, but there is just so much more that I love to do also.  I love youthwork, serving, baking, writing, drawing, photography, traveling, and the list could go on and on with so much more.  If only we could combine every single thing we love to do and make it into one single job, then life could possibly be about perfect.

 

I was able to go to Cedar Point yesterday with the youthgroup.  I had the privilege of walking around with three classy young ladies, and riding some extreme rides.  Ones that made my stomach do a tumble a couple times, and ones that if I had heart problems I would have died in the seat right then.   I realised as I kept looking at The Dragster if I couldn’t compel myself to ride it, how could I expect to sky dive so I made a decision to take a chance.  I ended up loving that ride, I think quite possibily it may just be my favourite one.  It’s hilarious as it shoots you up, you can barely move your face cause it’s stuck in the same petrified/amazed position you had formed right at the beginning when it launches you at 120 mph.  We had planned on posing for the picture, but I was so caught off guard and found that I couldn’t even move my arms at the moment it launched just because of the force.   When we got to the top of the hill I was able to throw up my arms as we spiraled downward back to land, what a thrill.   I screamed like a girl though, as I say that though people keep reminding me ‘Well Erin….you ARE a girl!’    yeah except I normally don’t squeal, and these rides made me squeal.

 

It’s amazing some of the stories I have learned that happened while I was away.  Some about the customers, some about my friends.  You can tell a person is struggling or just really unhappy, and then you learn the story about it and you realise ‘woah no wonder’.    A lot of heartbreak has happened, it sucks to see people who hurt, whose hearts have been so utterly broken that the smile they once had doesn’t quite reach anymore.  I looked up at the stars today as I walking into the house, and I thought to myself ‘I wonder how many heartbreaks, and tears these stars could have seen over the years.’  What if stars could tell stories?  They could tell us so much about the history that has happened, and many mysteries would be solved.

Youthfulness and Laughter..what a combination

There are days in life where you feel like you have become young again.  Whether it’s getting your hair cut and dyed, or you buy a hip and stylish outfit.   You just have those days no matter how old you are.   After a very long 5 year break, yes it has almost been 5 years since I have graduated from highschool (which seems a wee bit crazy to me)  I have started up the university hunt.  The past two universities I have visited I have felt once more like I am a senior in highschool.   Probably just the idea that everyone sees us as visitors so automatically assume I am a senior.  ahahaha little do they know I am not eighteen, I am twenty-three.   When did I get to be this age?   Oy vey.  I still remember thinking when I was sixteen that twenty-one just seemed such a long ways away, and now I am two years past that date. 

 

The university hunt has been quite interesting as of far.  I’ve been given a lot put on the plate to digest and think about.  It’s been eye-opening and I’ve really liked both universities so far, but for completely different reasons.  It may just be that I’ll be doing a positive and negative list when it comes to really choosing. 

 

This past weekend I led the worship for a Women’s Field Day.  It was an amazing time, and God really showed up and broke down walls and strongholds that had been put into place.   I love this weekend, cause no matter how old you are it just touches your heart and you learn something new every single time you go whether you are participating or being a servant.

 

I had the privilege of leading the worship.  At times I felt so unworthy and then I would get reminded I was chosen.  Okay not just chosen..but CHOSEN.    There had been three ladies who had been praying about who should lead the worship and my name popped into all three of their heads, and when I was asked I just felt God saying ‘yes Erin’. 

During the week I had this continous dream about my friend Heather.  I absolutely love this girl.  She’s  a wee lass from Scotland, eighteen years old and just is so on fire for God.  She is an inspiration to me always and I am so blessed to have her in my life, always encouraging me and whenever she has a chance she always says ‘Hello beautiful lady’.  Every night I would dream in a different situation Heather would usher me in to a different room and she would bring out a guitar and ask me to play with her.  I always had an excuse, saying ‘Heather I just can’t, I have way to much on my plate right now…or I need to just use this time to prepare for Women’s Field Day’.   It got to the point that I actually asked her ‘Heather do you play guitar?’  she doesn’t, but she does want to learn.   After really thinking about those dreams I just felt that was God saying to me ‘You know Erin, a lot of times lately you have been doing that..but this weekend is  just you and me.’  That I may be helping lead into worship, but that I didn’t have to worry about what others thought, or that anyone else was watching because that dream was also for the ladies too.   It was God saying to all of us ‘This weekend is for for just you and me’  For all of us to connect with Him and just worship whole heartedly.     

 

Heather gave me a scripture from Isaiah 25, it was awesome just how it tied into the whole weekend. I had a wee bit of trouble with the cd player, but that’s life and it is a great example of life.  A lot of times we live life, and we have those moments where things just don’t turn out right or act normal, and our focus gets distracted from God.   Our every day activity should be an act of worship to God.  I really want to strive to just talking to God every single day, every single hour, minute….just having a thankful attitude for all He does.  I want my life to reflect a worshipful attitude towards Him.  I just want to have that kind of relationship with Him and I really want to strive towards that.

My favourite moment of the weekend must be this wee story that happened.

 

It was during communion and everyone was quiet, pensive, and in a worshipful mood. We had prepared a song for the prayer, and as I turned it on…I realized as it started to play the drumming was not a familiar sound to me and all of a sudden you hear this deep booming voice go ‘LET’S DO THIS!!!’  My mouth dropped, and the leader’s eyes widened and said ‘WRONG SONG!’ and we all burst into much laughter with a lady shouting ‘YEAH LET’S DO THIS’…but finally I got the right song playing.  It was so perfect and yet so unexpected! Oh the joy laughter brings.

 

I also learned that I have a potty mouth when I sleep…..

Love In A Time of Flippancy

I remember the day how my dad had gotten on me about using the word ‘awesome’ all the time.  I remember him saying something to the affect of ‘How can you use the same word that describes God and also use it to describe a car?’  Quite frankly the word became overused in my vocabularly, much to the chagrin of my dad.

 

It’s quite amusing how some terms become so loosely used.  I realised a while back ago I was starting to walk down the same path with the ‘I love you’ term as I was with ‘awesome’.   You know there are four different types of love in the Greek language?  I philio you, storge, eros, and agape.  All four have a different type of role with love.    Philio is having to do with the type of love you would have in a friendship.  Storge is family.   Eros is physical.  And agape is the love of all,  the sacrificial love.    The Greeks must have known what they were doing, because sometimes it gets so common just to say I love you in a fleeting moment without a second thought of what you really mean…and if you even mean it, or trying to blackmail someone into doing somthing for you by saying ‘I’ll love you forever if you do this.’  There are so many different ways of loving, and yet we only have one word to use.   

 

On Fridays I have designated to visit my grandmum and my great aunt at Fairlawn, the nursing home in town.  These two ladies, dare I say it,  I dearly love.  Both are getting up in age, but yet have a mind of their own.  My grandmum is a proud mum, grandmum and great-grandmum and she isn’t afraid to tell everyone just how proud she is.  My great aunt knows everyone, knows the history, and without a bat of the eyelid she can tell me that I’m related to someone that I didn’t realise I was related to.  It makes for interesting conversations.  Before I left I had visited her at her home, and she was having a rough time but yet still doing alright.   While I was gone she had a stroke and had to go into the nursing home.  Being an independent woman, very headstrong and stubborn at times, having to do that kind of strips you of any pride you may be holding onto.  Not only that you have to rely on people to help take care of you, while you have been taken out of the element of what has been considered your home for a long time, having to come fit life into a foreign place trying to make it as cosy and homelike as possible .  There’s only a certain amount you can do with that.  You don’t have much but what you do have, you hold onto.   My Aunt still has her power of speech and she uses it. 

I had visited her last week and sat with her while she was having her supper.  We had small talk, and I told her a bit about the year, we laughed and genuinely enjoyed each others company.   It came time for me to head home and I gave her a hug and a kiss and said ‘I love you’ ……. as she looked up at me, her eyes started to water a bit and with a smile she said ‘I love you’.

 

Sometimes it’s nice to have four different words for four different kinds of love.  Sometimes ‘I love you’  is overused, and at times flippantly used.  Sometimes it becomes such a habit we forget what we are really saying. 

 

But in that instant I knew without a doubt she meant it with her whole heart.

Je’Taime

One of the vendors today said to me ‘How was your overseas trip?  I guess it’s back to reality for you!’   and I smiled and I said ‘It was wonderful!!! And no, actually it was and is reality for me.’   That is the truth, it is my reality.  It’s a part of me, and something that I will always hold close to my heart.  The young people, my friends, my family, the land,  and even the coffee shops.   I really do love my home in Pettisville , the young people, my friends, my family, the land, and yes even the one coffee shop.  As it is both places are my reality. Even though I have left doesn’t mean the stories don’t continue, the tears, the fights, the laughter, the joys, the sorrows, the pain all those continue on it’s just that I’m not there anymore to narrate.  

I have a confession, this post is going to be based on a movie I just watched with my friend Luke.   For a while I had tried to explain what it is about being in a different country, about feeling more at home in England and in Russia then what I sometimes do in America.  A lot of  people find it hard to understand, living in someone elses home, being away from everyone you know, from a culture you grew up with, how someone could love that.   I guess I just couldn’t put into words what my heart was feeling.  I saw this movie and it made me cry, because this whole year I tried to explain and I couldn’t and in a seven minute clip this director was able to put words into what it was that I couldn’t express.

 

 

‘Sitting there,  alone in a foreign country.  Far from my job and everyone I know.  A feeling came over me, it was like remembering something I’d never known before or had always been waiting for, but I didn’t know what.  Maybe it was something I’d forgotten or something I’d been missing all my life. All I can say is that I felt, at the same time, joy and sadness.  But not too much sadness, because I felt alive.  Yes alive.’

 

There is a path along the university grounds that is surrounded by trees.  I would walk along and sit on the benches, watching the ducks and geese fly by and land smoothly in the water.  Where people would  lay on the grass, having a wee picnic, or just lay out and enjoy the sun.    Many times I would just walk along and talk to God, and during one of those times my heart just overflowed with this joy and happiness and then a sadness when my mind remembered the thought that I would have to leave.  The tears just started to roll down my face, and I sat down on a bench and it started to rain a wee bit. 

In that moment just like the lady did in Paris, I realized I fell in love with England

 

and I felt England fall in love with me.

thoughts on tiredness

Today was an interesting day, only because I resorted to a Monster Java to give me some energy.  Some people say being tired is all to do mentally and your outlook etc….but I can seriously contest that.   My body is tired, and my eyes are droopy…..that is not the works of my thinking.  

 

One of the many things that I had been looking forward to starting back work was seeing some of my regular customers whom I had grown to love.  There was one fellow who reminded me of Wallace from ‘Wallace and Gromit’ and every Tuesday he would get either a half pound of muenster cheese, farmers cheese, or head cheese.  I always looked forward to seeing him, and he always brought a smile to my face.  There are certain people that do that, they don’t really have to do much to make me happy, and he was one of them.   Today unfortunately I found out he passed away last week.   The shock of the news stayed with me for most of the day, and now there will be a hole in Tuesdays where I’ll look for him to come in and greet me with his German accent while saying ‘May I have a half pound of Muenster cheese please?’  

 

So much can change in such a short period of time.   I was asked the question of ‘why’ once.  Why  would this happen, or why would God let this happen.   Hearts break, tears are shed, and you just never feel like you will be the same again for a loss has occurred.  There is now that void in your life where it had once been filled, and you wonder if you’ll ever be able to stop crying.

 

One of my boys I will forever remember.  He risked his life to save his baby brother.  Broke both legs, had to have surgery…. was brave enough to do that and when I asked him if he had been scared or second guessed pushing his brother out of the way and taking his place all he said was ‘My brother would have died if I hadn’t.’  Then a couple of months later, his mum died.  Why did that have to happen?   I have no idea. 

 

I read a book earlier this week called Love You Forever, it describes a mothers love for her son and she would sing to him while he was sleeping when he was a baby till he was an adult….  

‘I’ll love you forever.

I’ll like you for always,

As long as I’m living.

My baby you’ll be.’

 

and when the mother was older and becoming sick, the son took her in his arms and sang

‘I’ll love you forever

I’ll like you for always,

As long as I’m living

My mommy you’ll be.’

 

 

I love that.

Hipster

 

I’m shattered.  Really shattered.  I started up work yesterday.   It was nice to get back into a somewhat normal routine, plus being back in a job where everything is engrained into your cranium is really helpful.   I even remembered the deli numbers for the different meats and cheese!  It’s been a whole year, but apparently I must have a good memory for certain things. 

I was able to see a lot of my favourite truck drivers too which was nice.  It’s funny the things they remember….

 

Apparently last night as I was exercising, I did something to my hip.   I’m not exactly sure, but it really hurts at the moment to walk…sit…get up….pretty much everything.  I really want to exercise right now too, so it’s a wee bit annoying that I feel a bit handicapped.   There are moments in life where I do truly appreciate the fact of being lazy, but I’m just not in a very lazy mood right now.   I guess if I felt like sitting down and watching a chick flick it wouldn’t be so bad, but I’d rather be outside running or walking.    I hobbled around for the first half of work until my ibuprofen kicked in, I must say I fit right in….it was Sr. Citizens day.      

 

I think I may go for a wee bit of a walk, maybe it will do my hip some good.  I hope so, otherwise…I may just be a sore girl for a while.

Who has not sat before his own heart’s curtain? It lifts: and the scenery is falling apart.

This time last year I was in England, for my first full day.  Two weeks ago I was saying goodbye.  Today I am reminiscing.

 

I would like to  say that re-entry is as easy as pie….but that would be like me saying the latest i-pod to come out on the market is cheap as chips.

Why am I using food idioms?   I’m kind of hungry.

 

Everyone wants me to tell them everything about my year.   It’s crazy, how can I sum up a whole year in just a few minutes?   How do I convey just what the people I met, worked with, and grew to love so much mean to me?  They impacted my life and became my second family.   How do I vividly tell the stories of my boys and girls,  so that they can see through my eyes just how much growth and change I saw and how my heart broke so many times for them?  No words can really describe those things.    I wish I was like a robot and with a touch of a button I could project every single conversation out so everyone could hear it and see it,  not only that but feel it.      

 

Not to say I’m not happy to recount all my adventures cause I am, I just feel like everytime I do I just can’t do it justice.  

 

I miss my England and all that comes with it a lot, and at the moment the subject line which is a quote by Rainer Maria Rilke describes myself quite accurately.

Skip, Hop, and a Jump

I’m home. 

 

more to come later