The last time I listened to this song was when I was writing my essay about the impact MS had on our family.  I can remember vividly sitting in the kitchen, having made chicken soup after my blizzard photography walk, and talking with Dianne about what I should study at Anderson.  Dad was watching his movie, the oh so famous “Smoky and the Bandit” and the kitchen was filling with the smell of coffee brewing.

I remember sitting back in the chair, staring at the blank word document, not knowing where to even begin.  I could have written the ‘my childhood/teenage years’ were taken from me essay, which would not have been true.  I could have written a ‘tear-jerker, pull at the heartstrings’ type of essay, which let’s face it would have been easy.  But instead I wrote about how MS blessed my family.

Of course you are probably thinking I am probably insane.  MS… Multiple Sclerosis… that neurological disease which at any random moment can turn your world upside down.  That? A blessing?

I did not find any blessing in the way it debilitated my dad or how quickly our lives were changed over the years.  However, the blessings I did see which this disease helped reveal I do appreciate.  The many ways God provided for my family, how we could feel His presence surrounding us during the darkest moments.  I appreciate the many memories I have with my dad, the memories I have with mum during the nursing home episodes, the very early morning ER trips and the ZERO candy bar I can still remember getting from the vending machine to help us stay awake for when we could go to dad’s room.  So much happened in that span of time, and through it a lot of blessings came about and I know deep down that God had/has his hand on my family.

So no matter what happens in life, everything will be okay.  It will be okay, because I know without a shadow of a doubt that my God is with us.  He is, and peace passes all understanding.

Over the years I have learned that life has its many good and bad moments, but if we continue to focus on the bad, life just doesn’t seem worth it.  The miracle of life is getting to live it and knowing that everyday is precious makes me want to focus and seek out the good that comes about each day.

MS may have brought about hard times, but loving my dad was never a hardship, and to love and be loved is a true blessing

One of my goals for the year is to work on my attitude.  A lot of times I tend to put on a cheerful face and when asked I say, “I’m great! yada, yada, yada”.   Okay maybe not the yada, yada, yada, but I did get suddenly transported back to a Seinfeld episode when I wrote those words.  I know for a fact from many talks with others that when people think of me they think that I am always cheerful and that I have a really good attitude.  I must, however, confess that is not always the case.  Every once in a while my attitude stinks like rotten fish.  And I am afraid that my heart most often probably looks like a basket full of rotting fish.  I sometimes wonder what my heart would look like, not in a physical sense, but if we were to look at it in the ‘goodness’ sense.  Would it be pure red goodness, red with a few splotches or charcoal black?

Christmas break I was able to spend time with beautiful friends that are dear to my heart.  One of my friends gave me a necklace with three tears on it, but each tear had a smile.  She called them the happy tears necklace and said that even though I have had so much sadness in my life I always have a smile on my face.  Right before I left to come to the party I gave myself the pep talk  ”Okay Erin, you can do this.  Just put on a smile” as I sat there in my car looking at the night sky finally whispering “God, I can’t do this” and let the tears flow.

The next week two friends asked me about dad.  One of them said “Erin, we’re afraid to bring it up and we dance around the topic a lot because we don’t want to bring any sadness to you…but how are you doing with your dad?”  I looked at her and at first I almost went into my normal response mode but then I decided to be honest.  It feels like yesterday.  The pain is still there.  Each day has it’s ups and downs, but there isn’t a day when I never stop missing him.

Mum and I watched an Easter Video from back in 1984, where my grandpop had rented a video camera to tape the family all together, and sent it to my Uncle and Aunt who at the time were living in Ecuador.  Each family updated, and it was wonderful hearing all the New Jersey accents coming full throttle.  It was wonderful seeing grandpop and grandmum again,  hearing grandmum laugh and play piano makes me imagine that when I come home I’ll see her once again at Fairlawn but then I have to remind myself  it’s been 3 months since her death.  And then the camera turns to mum and dad, and I can’t keep it in…both of their voices so soft-spoken, dad being camera-shy and then every once in a while throwing out some zingers.  Both of us had red noses by the end.  I also loved seeing my brother  showing off for the camera, and how EVERYONE had so much joy in their voices whenever he would walk for the camera.  My brother’s a miracle, yes Dave you are!

Life is filled with so much uncertainty.  Back then who could have ever imagined where each of us would be now.  I wasn’t even in the picture, but yet mum knew I would be. MS wasn’t worried about in that time, it was more about working on the house and fulfilling duties at the church.  My brother completely defied a lot of odds set against him.  Thank goodness God is in control.  I don’t understand it all and I’ve given up trying to make sense of it all…but all I can do is believe that God is in control.

And in less then one month, it will be two years.  Each year I miss him more and more.

Blast from the past.  And if you wonder which one I am, I am number 3.  Of course if I shop at my store I turn into number 9.

There are many types of shoppers out there, and I wanted to highlight a few of them that I see all the time at the store.  enjoy.

1.)  The List Shopper- this is the shopper that comes in prepared, knows what he/she is getting and sticks to what is planned, never straying or getting tempted by the goods.

2.)  The Camper- this is the shopper that comes to the store everyday,  even more then once a day.  You would think they had a pretty full refrigerator by the end of the day…obviously not.

3.)  Incognito Shopper-  mr. zippy, no discussion, no looking, in and out

4.)  The Remorseful Shopper- this is the shopper who has every good intention of following the list, but finds the store has too many good deals to pass up.  In the end they come home with more then what they were planning on and will always sheepishly tell that to the cashier in advance as we knowingly nod our heads.

5.)  The Senior Citizen- this shopper is a unique shopper to the store, only coming when the discount is issued (on occasion you will see them there other days but normally the day designated for the discount)  Of course they are going to want everything fresh, since they are slow and small eaters, in conclusion 4 slices of ham, 6 rolls, and a carton of eggs cut in half just for them.

6.)  The Husband-  this shopper has little or no experience with the store.  You will see him walk aimlessly through the aisles with a blank look, every once in a while checking a piece of paper with a confused air.

7.) The Panicked Shopper- this shopper is quite usually running errands for someone else.  Normally carrying a cell phone in hand, you will occasionally see them make crazy guestures in the air when an item is not found or is out of stock.  On occasion they are in such a rush that they seem to forget things, and come back a couple minutes later after they remember.

8.) The Water-Closet Shopper- this shopper has only one thing on their mind, ‘where’s the bathroom’.

9.)  The Socialite Shopper- this shopper tends to see everyone they know at the store and ends up talking for hours on end.  A ten minute shopping expedition turns into an hour long trek when ‘Mrs. Jones’ catches sight of this shopper and needs an update on life.  Normally the deli counter and the produce sections are the beautiful scenes of reuniting take place.

I’ve had enough tears this Christmas break, so in honour of the New Year why not post my top 10 favourite moments of the year filled with laughter?

10.)  Library chair moments.  Every once in a while people may have heard a couple of loud bangs that echoed through-out the library along with a peel of laughter.  I’ve had a couple of doozies but my favourite one was with Jen during finals week this last semester when we were having a thoroughly enjoyable discussion on faith, what it looks like at Anderson, and how the bubble gets popped a lot.  During that conversation the look of horror on my face was probably priceless as I slowly toppled backwards on the chair and Jen tried to reach out and save me.  It was a wonderful act of heroism on her part, however, she failed.  What followed suit was a bunch of man laughter from Jen and snorting from me,  along with a couple of huge bruises that did not disappear very fast.

9.)  I have to admit that there are a lot of funny moments that happen at club.  Like the one time it was raining outside, I had my flip flops on, and I turned around quickly to go back outside and fell flat on my face in the hallway, or seeing Justin trying to put on the Christmas tree outfit.  But my number one favourite memory of ALL time from this year is with the lovely Jordan as we tried to pop home-made popcorn for the first time.  Needless to say, there was a lot of running around, a very smoked filled kitchen, and a ball of fire.   Don’t worry folks, we had flour.

8.) One of my favourite stories to tell is of when Sammy proposed to me and then a couple of minutes later told me how much he loved my body parts as he was sitting on my lap. (This of course is when he was 6 or 7)  Honour and I have never fully recovered from that moment…but as I was visiting her in one of my many random drop-ins she asked   ‘Erin, how do you like your coffee? Although I should know this by now.’  I replied ‘Strong and black…..just like my men.’ (head thrown back with a snort and a laugh at how funny I am) Sammy shocked at this answer replies in a rather high pitched and paniced voice ‘WHAT?!?’  (Sources informed me that Sammy started to do a lot of sunbathing later that day)

7.) My girls at school are learning rather quickly of my random driving habits.  Let’s just take a quick journey back in the past of what I’ve done which I probably shouldn’t have done…like cut through the cinema grass to get to the Wal-mart parking lot, or putting a queen sized mattress on top of the car and only having it secured by reaching out the windows and holding it with our hands.  But my favourite moment of this year was with the girls as I was trying to find a parking spot at school, and decided to just drive through the morrison lawn and create my own parking spot…but then doing a wide turn around.  Their faces were priceless, and my stomach hadn’t hurt that much from laughing in a while!

6.)  Randomly dressing up like old ladies with Bloom, quite hilarious and brilliant.  Even more hilarious was the 10 minutes of walking up the path to our friend’s house, in full act, with a walker and cane.  By the time we rang the doorbell, no one was home.  HA!

5.)  The occasion was not very funny in the sense that I played the violin for my great uncle’s funeral.  However the fact that my Uncle, in front of everyone at the memorial service, introduced me as his nephew Erin was indeed priceless.

4.)  Living in an old house that is full of creaking and random noises is probably not conducive with having a proper nights sleep after reading murder mysteries before bedtime.  Imagine Erin wielding her Russian dagger while investigating the noises coming from the hallway and downstairs at 1:30 am.  With super kung fu and dagger slashing skills, intruders should always beware.

3.) Poetry night moments with Hope and Cody.  We love this night so very much.  The last time we went we were graced with some harmonies.  We were caty-cornered to the stage, trying to keep a blank face listening to a guy sing his heart out.  There were high hopes for him, since he looked like Jesus.  Instead it was more like listening to cat’s howling in the moonlight.  One false move and I would have lost it in a fit of giggles…though I almost lost it when we heard him tell the other cat howler ‘Dude, those were some sick harmonies!’

2.)  Getting to walk through the Princess Diana exhibit in Grand Rapids and then the next day seeing how green my sister’s face can get as we walked through the Bodies Revealed exhibit was a fabulous experience.  Each exhibit was spectacular in their own way, however watching Janelle’s walking become slower and her face turn greener through-out the Bodies Revealed was absolutely priceless.

1.) Tackling your RA into the snow is pretty intense but the fact remains she still witnessed me fall three times trying to get out of my car after coming back to campus from Iceacolypse.  Imagine the iced steps scene in Home Alone, because that is basically what I looked like as I tried to get up and find my footing only to fall back down again.  If ever a time for video recording, that would have been it.

There have been so many wonderful moments this year, trying to remember them all is crazy.  But remembering the laughter and smiles is always good for one’s heart.

Happy New Year everyone. 

Jasmine asked me the question yesterday as we were skyping, “Aunty Erin if you could have any present what would you want?” I told her truthfully that I really did not need anything.  Now there are things that I would love to have but they are not a necessary item that my life needs.  I would love to have more books to read and start up new collections of series that I have fallen in love with over the years.  I would love a new violin, or a plane ticket to England.  I would love all those things, but they aren’t essential to my life.

Today as I was scooting around in the deli trying to accomplish all the tasks that I needed to fulfill, I was thinking about her question.  I started a journey through my memory of every Christmas that I can remember.  It use to be that I would go through the Toy’s R Us magazine and pick out all that looked fun and exciting.  Sometimes my cousin would even pitch in and help me choose things that she liked.  I never had a rhyme or reason of why I wanted certain toys.  Whoever the advert creator’s were, they did an amazing job of convincing me that I absolutely needed a glow in the dark shadow maker.

Of course, I think for everyone at some point, the love for receiving presents is over-shadowed by the love of giving presents.  If I had my way, I would be giving presents all the time because I love to see the joy on the faces of my family and friends when I can find that certain gift I know will bless their socks off.

But if I could have any one present, it would be to have my family all together again.  I treasure the memories of our last Christmas all together and the family pictures taken.

This certainly has not been an easy break. It’s been full of tears but yet there are plenty of moments that I will fondly look back on.  Sunday we will officially have our family Christmas with another member missing this year, and as much as my heart aches, I look forward to us being together.  As long as we are all together that is all that matters, for my family is what I treasure most these days.  They are the true gifts in my life.

Yes, yes, yes I capitalized the word ‘Nonsense’ however do not faint, for I was not personifying nonsense and making it into a noun or even trying to humanize the word.  For as much as I think some people encapsulate nonsense perfectly, I do not believe I would want to see a personified Nonsense walking around campus.  The end.

The last couple of weeks back from Thanksgiving break were crazy-as!!!!!!!!!! (Yes I need that many exclamation points! Fun fact, I almost wrote explanation point. HA! I have been saying it wrong all my life…that’s embarrassing.)

The library became my home as I worked on the finishing touches of my poetry portfolio, annotated bibliography, literary arts magazine, group projects, and studying for finals.  My roommates at one point didn’t recognize me.  Okay that was an exaggeration, but they noticed that I never was in the room between the hours of 8 am to 1 am.  Yeah, that’s how commited I was to these projects and to be honest they were not half as bad as they could have been.  I worked on them little by little through the semester so most of it was finished they just needed to be perfect.  I got close to perfection on the final grades. (Though my poetry portfolio was a bit average, I’m not surprised, it was the that one gave me the most trouble. urgh)

Work at club was chaotic as usual.  I am officially Miss Erin, the mean teacher.  I lay down the law.  I don’t remember if I mentioned the last project I worked on with the Crayola club, but I’m super proud of my kindergarteners and first graders.  I stenciled out a large umbrella on a huge canvas, and glued crayons to the top of it.  I sectioned out the umbrella so each of my kids could paint one section of the umbrella, and then they each took turns blow drying the crayons and melting them.  It turned out to be brilliant!  I helped Cody with his club these last 2 and a half weeks and thoroughly enjoyed listening to the kindergarteners and first graders talk and learn about the Bible.  It was definitely a change of pace for them, but it is not very often they get to talk and learn about the different people and stories that are in the Bible.

Candles and Carols was wonderful as always, I sat in the same spot my mum and sister did last year.  So my friends and I will definitely be in the video, and I was able to get some of the chamber orchestra peeps to smile by making faces at them.  It felt weird not being a part of it this year, at the same time I am so thankful I was not, otherwise I would have been a mental case.

I had a couple of firsts happen too.  I experienced Christmas at the Zoo in Indy with my friends, and then walked around downtown for just a bit.  I really want to go back during the day sometime to experience Indy day-life.  That will be wonderful.  Hope, Cody, and I traversed down the road and ate at ‘Eva’s Pancakes’ and absolutely LOVED IT!  If I ever have visitors I shall take them there to eat.  I just ordered pancakes, and received four pancakes as big as the plate and super thick.  I only ate about a quarter of them, and ate some the next day for breakfast and still couldn’t finish it.  So wonderful.

I’ll be heading home in the morning.  I can’t believe this semester is finally finished.  As much as this semester was one of my hardest, I’ve thoroughly enjoyed getting to know newpeople, exploring and the amount of memories I have made with my friends.  I can only imagine what next semester will have in store.

Oh and the watercolour, crayons and a bunch of Nonsense title explanation. I’ve been sitting around these past few days painting, and making crayon canvas art.  Plus watching ’What About Bob’.  The nonsense is probably the amount of laughing, grimacing, parallel parking, steak and shake, and opera singing memories (with a 7ish year old) I’ve made in the past few weeks.

Tom once told me to write, write, write.  That in his darkest moments, writing was what helped him sort out his emotions and relieve stress.  He would fill up journals and every once in a while he would flip back to past entries and reread what he wrote.  As I have been sitting here, wishing that I could fall asleep, stop crying, and stop feeling ill I’ve re-read his letters to me which have brought me great comfort.

“write, write, write.  You have a gift, my friend.  When you put your thoughts down they have an immediacy, an honesty and a directness that reaches into the soul of the person who reads what you have said.  I began a journal in Russia and learned that I can work my way through depression by “letting it all out”.  Later, when I had the time and/or inclination to revisit what I once felt so keenly, I found that I was somehow unburdened.  Reflection is one of the ways we can assess and, hopefully, learn.  I am convinced that my journey in Samara was made more possible by allowing myself to vent in this very personal way.  There is no one to judge, to criticize or to ridicule.  It is the moment you can be most truly yourself.

“Everyone of us has a part to play in the working out of God’s plan.  Just when we feel we are too proud, too vain, to ineffectual, and so on is when God can be closest to us.  At the risk of sounding preachy, I believe with all my heart that when we reach the point when we feel we have failed most dismally, God is there.  He, I truly believe, is telling us to let go and allow Him to do what He alone can do.  This does not mean that we should stop doing what we can, but it does mean that we should stop looking for results.  Our role before God is to be obedient to the best of our ability.  That is what Mother Teresa said, and she was right.  The power and the control over the outcome is not ours.”

These are words that I have come to treasure and store in my heart for many years now, and I hope that they bring as much comfort to those who read them now as they continue to do for me.

Have you ever looked at your hand?  I mean really looked at it and noticed all the tiny wrinkles, the hairs, the pattern of the skin, the tendons when you flex?  Or maybe even the scars that have accumulated over the years?  Have you ever noticed those intricate patterns your skin creates?  Have you noticed that overtime your hand has gotten a bit more worn looking, that maybe it is not as smooth as it once was?  That the sun has done its damage and you are now blessed with that wrinkly, leathery look? 

I drew my hand today for Rachel, so she can hang it on the wall in her apartment.  Everyone that comes and visits grabs a piece of paper, draws and decorates their hand and then hangs it as a sign of their presence.  Now, I have not yet been to Rachel’s London apartment, however, since I write her snail mail letters it’s like I am there anyway. 

I noticed all the scars that I have accumulated over the years.  Some from Button, some from Janelle, some from my own stupidity with my adventurous antics.  My poor middle finger is completely bent and crooked from the many times I’ve jammed it from playing catch, or landing on it hard.  Our hands tell us so much.  You can tell if a person is a laborer, a musician, a writer, or an artist.  They tell a story.

Before my grandmum died, her best friend Dora would come in, every single day to check on her.  It was like clock-work, I’d be sitting in the room working on homework, and I would think ‘Hmmm Dora probably will be coming soon’.  I’d hear the knock and go to open the door so she could come in with her walker.  I could never get through those visits without crying, because I’d watch Dora take grandmum’s hands both so gnarled and rough, and pat them.  She’d smooth and fix Grandmum’s hair, talking to her while trying to get a response.  But the image of her hands resting on grandmum’s will forever stay in my memory.  The picture of friendship and love between two dear friends.

As I drove back to Anderson today, it suddenly struck me how hard Thanksgiving and Christmas will be.  Two years in row now where we have lost someone we dearly love.  It was to say the least, a very emotional car ride back, realizing that these holidays are going to be missing both daddy and grandmum.

Of course just like Rachel’s apartment, they drew their hands on our lives. They left their mark, and even though physically they are not here with us.  I see their influence in my life daily, and that is something that will never be taken away.

It is something that I will daily cherish.  What a blessing of having had these two wonderful people in my life and now in my memories, who blessed me completely each and every day they were alive.

Which got me to thinking.  I hope that one day my life will have had as much as an impact on someone elses life, like so many have had on mine.  That I strive to leave a positive impression on others, and that I never let my standards or values down.

For is that not, in a sense, what we do each and every day?  We leave a hand print everywhere we go.

Sometimes I forget just how traumatic childhood can be, and then I remember how much I was paralyzed with certain events that seemed like evil giants in my life.  There are times when I want to pull my hair out during club, because I have no idea how to reach certain kids.  I constantly feel like the bad guy, especially when I have to take away choice time or even their gold coin which they try to keep the whole day for good behaviour points.  Working on homework is always a dramatic situation with some.  At times I hear ‘I’m never coming back again!’ and then a burst of tears will ensue.  Oh the joys.  

Of course how can I forget the moments, where I never wanted to go to school, especially when Math seemed most evil to me.  I was held in from recess so many times because of stupid math homework, and my cousin’s friends caught me crying one time because of it.  Bless her for helping me after school, especially in learning how to count money. 

I just want to take my kids into my arms, give them a huge hug, wipe away the tears and say everything will be alright.  I want to say that these evil giants will soon be conquered and they won’t have to worry about them anymore.  However, new giants always develop and the process continues. 

And what about the giants that are unconquerable?  My heart still aches, my eyes still well up, and I sadly remember how much was lost.  

I guess that is why I put so much of my heart into working where I do.  So those moment do not arise again.  I want them to know they are loved, even in the craziest moments and also in the moments of discipline.

My favourite moment this week was when a family came back from a long abscence.  I was walking down the hallway and one of the boys saw me, shouted ‘MISS ERIN!!!!’ and ran all the way down the hallway to give me a huge bear hug.  My heart was so filled with joy in seeing all of them again, for I had missed them so much.  Seeing their smiles and hearing their laughter makes what I do so worth it. 

One of my girls said, “Miss Erin, you really are energetic!  Energetic Erin suits you.”  I asked her if it was a good thing, and she said yes, however at times not very.  Shocked when she said that I asked her to clarify, and her reply made me laugh.  ”Well, it’s bad when we worked on homework, cause I don’t like homework, and you always made me finish it, you were just TOO energetic!”  Of course, after that, she admitted she was glad I made her finish it all, even if at the time she was grumpy. 

Those moments bring a smile to my heart.

I have had a lot of questions running through my head.  I have been questioning a lot about where I stand.  Am I being apathetic? Dismal and weary?  I just have those days where I just want to curl up in my bed, and not do anything for the day.  Maybe it is not properly dealt with grief.  These past two years have had an unnatural abundance of death in it.  Or maybe it is just pure laziness.   

When I was in Russia, I remember looking into the eyes of random strangers on the bus.  Some of them were weary and listless, and missing something.  I could never really put my finger on it, but I think it was hope.  Hope for the future, that everything will turn out alright.

One thing I love about my poetry class is that I now know that all the questions that I write, I do not need an answer for any of them.  You cannot begin to imagine how freeing that was to me.  I use to believe, that when I wrote questions in my poetry, that I needed to put an answer down, most of the time ones that pertained to God. 

I looked at my eyes this afternoon.  I saw the weariness etched deep into the lines, and a little bit of apathy.  I may feel all of this at times, I may question, I may want to curl up in a ball, I may even just want to lay outside and gaze up into the sky and not have to worry about what I need to do next. 

However, there was one thing that I still saw, and that was hope.  The hope which overrides all.  And I know, through all these questions and thoughts, I know I will be okay. 

  Barbara Kingsolver once said, ‘The very least you can do in your life is to figure out what you hope for. And the most you can do is live inside that hope.’