Ambiguity

Gilda Radner once said ‘ I always wanted a happy ending…Now I’ve learned, the hard way, that some poems don’t rhyme, and some stories don’t have a clear beginning, middle, and end.  Life is about not knowing, having to change, taking the moment and making the best of it without knowing what’s going to happen next.  Delicious ambiguity.’

I love that quote for so many reasons.  We all want happy endings, and sometimes life throws us those curve balls that really knock us to the core.  Where the constant question is ‘Why? Why God. Why?’ over…and over again. 

 

One of the girls that I get to work with showed me a poem that was handed to her, that she never had read before called ‘The Footprints in the Sand.’  and I asked her what her favourite part about it was and she said ‘When the two sets of footprints become one, because no matter what I go through God is there with me, carrying me.’ 

 

How true that is.  Today as I cried out ‘Why God’, I didn’t get an answer.  The many times this year when I’ve asked I have had no answer.  No answer to the questions of why some of my girls feel like they have to dish out their bodies to feel loved, or why bad things happen to good people, or why life turns out the set backs, the surprises, the hurts, the sorrow.  I haven’t gotten any answers to the question of why. 

 

Nor will I probably ever find out why these things happen.  Maybe when I look back when I’m older, I may see how some things have unfolded to work out in some strange way.  Maybe I won’t. 

What I do know is that I may never know why, I may never know why certain things happen.  What I do know is that I just have to trust God.  During those times of ambiguity, of setbacks…He is there carrying me..carrying my friends.  He never stops walking with us when the path starts to get pebbly and rocky, He stays.

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Waiting……

This week was kind of weird.  I don’t know what was up or why things were happening like they were.  Maybe it’s because half-term is coming up or maybe it’s the weather.  I don’t really have any idea….it’s just that it seems the kids have been more mental then normal. 

 

Friday lunch club was absolutely intense.  It was pouring down cats and dogs outside so we had a lot of new people that decided to come in, fair enough.  Of course we can only take a limited number of young people, so a lot of our regulars weren’t able to participate..which sucked.   What sucked even more was that new people decided to misbehave, and basically we just ended up shutting lunch club down early.  It really put a downer on my day because I enjoy lunch club a lot on Fridays.  Then there was more going on outside the classroom which lead to fights, etc.  I mean seriously this was a really weird Friday.  I had one boy who ended up getting really mad at some others that were picking on him, making fun of his mom…so I kicked those guys out and I spent the next fifteen minutes talking to him while he cried..and finally got him to cheer up and be his normal smiley, fun-loving self.  These are the moments where I remember why I use to hate school so much, the drama, and the bullies.   I don’t understand why they get so much gratification out of beating people up,  yeah they may have a bad home-life, or feel like they put themselves on a higher notch being the ‘top’ guy.  You would think they would realize that if they don’t like being treated the same way then why are they treating others like that.  But nooo, it doesn’t register that way.  It’s a top dog world out there in schools, and unfortunately a lot of my favourite young people to work with seem to have issues with a ‘top dog’.   I’m glad though at this moment in time I am there to talk with them on those days where they seem to be put down more then built up. 

 

I just have this absolute desire to scoop up all of them and put them in this cocoon of everything will be alright and good, and protect them from all the bad that comes their way.  So that the only tears I see are ones of happiness.  It’s going to be so hard to say goodbye to my year 7s, to let them go and not see them through the next years of their life and make sure that they have some kind of positive influence on their life.  

 

So at this moment in time I have about 15 minutes before I start my part in the fundraiser for the camp to France.   I shall be doing twenty minutes each on a cross-trainer, a bike, a rowboat, and the treadmill.   I’ll be here at the Pearson Centre till two pm doing this.  I would love to say that this won’t affect me physically at all, because I have kept myself exceptionally fit since coming here.  haha i laugh at that notion.  I think overall the cross-trainer,bike, and treadmill won’t be as difficult…it’s the rowboat thing I’m worried about.  My arms are like jelly at this moment in time. 

 

Plus I have a youth service tonight I’m playing at, so we’ll even see if I can move by that time.  I may be playing out of tune…HA! 

 

The good part about this fundraiser, is that it’s kicked me back into doing exercise..which I have missed, but it’s really difficult cause by the time I get home from doing youthwork, I’m so tired out.  But it feels good to exercise again.  I really do love it, plus it makes me feel better about myself at the end of the day. 

 

t-minus 10 minutes.

 

I need to buy a pair of wellies.   Next week I’m camping with a group of young people.  Knowing the english weather, I’m not expecting a sunny weekend.  I shall look forward to it though.  I hope that it will be a really good time though, and that the teens just don’t run away and do their own thing like past experience says, I’d like to think i’m a cool person to hang out with…lol!

 

right t-minus 5 minutes

wish me luck.  🙂

The Beesness

The other day as I walked into the kitchen I heard this extremely loud buzzing noise.  It was intense.  At first I thought maybe a light was starting to die, but realized then remembered it was daytime and the lights weren’t on in the kitchen.  So I followed the buzzing noise, and by the window I found the largest bumble bee I have ever seen.  The loud buzzing noise I heard was it attempting to dig a hole through the window to get outside, of course it was hardly succeeding at the attempt.  So I thought about the dilemna in front of me I had two options in my head a.) I could just kill it or b.) I could try to get it outside somehow.  Now because I was appreciating just how enormous this bee was I certainly couldn’t execute it, so I had sympathy for the bee and tried to free it.  The thing was this bumble bee was so intent that the way out was through the window, it wouldn’t let me help it.  I would get it to crawl on a piece of paper and once it started to realize that it was leaving the window area it would fall off and start flying into the window once again.  After three attempts I finally was able to get mr. bumble bee onto the paper and outside, to fly happily to the flowers it so dearly wanted. 

Now as I was thinking about that, I kind of started to think about how a lot of times we are like that bumble bee.   Because as humans we buzz our way through life, tackling different goals, conquering new challenges that arise, traveling and living in new places all those things we do with much gusto.  Then there are times where we have this sight (goal) set before our eyes and we go towards it, and bam we hit a window.  Of course we can see through this window and see how close we are to getting there, so we keep trying and trying to fly through the window but the glass is just so unrelenting and we are too stubborn to say ‘okay, what’s the problem.’  So then God comes along and says ‘I have a different way I want you to reach this goal.’ so He tries to get us on a different course, but no…we want to do it our way..and bam we hit the glass again.  God says ‘No, this is the way you have to do it.’ and He tries to get us on that course once more…well after a couple of attempts finally we decide that maybe we won’t make a dent in the glass after all and that we should get on that piece of paper and do it God’s way…..and hello fresh air and flowers.

A lot of times I do that, I repeatedly hit the glass window till I finally realize the way I’m going at it isn’t right.  Why does it take me so many attempts to finally realize that maybe just maybe I should just let God take me the way He wants me to go, that it would be such a smoother and quicker way if I just let Him.  Of course my Swiss/German/English/Irish heritage would never just let me NOT be stubborn.

The Road Not Taken

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;

Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that, the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,

And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.

Robert Frost (1874–1963)