Find Her……Keep Her

I have soft spot for Winnie the Pooh.  In fact there is one episode that I really love called ‘Find Her Keep Her’ when Rabbit rescues a baby bird named Kessie and kind of raises her until it is time for her to fly away for the winter.  Every single time I watch it never ends with me having dry eyes. 

The whole story is basically that Rabbit refuses to let Kessie fly until one day she decides to learn herself after seeing other birds flying south for the winter.   She knows it’s something that she just has to do, that she really wants to do but knowing the fact that it would make Rabbit really sad made her unhappy.   Kessie finally does learn to fly after saving Rabbit when he was falling off a cliff, and he felt that she didn’t need him anymore and he just went into this depressive funk and tried to cut her out of his life.  When it came time for her to leave for the winter he comes to his senses and tries to see her before she flies off and as he is running he’s shouting ‘I’m coming Kessie, wait, wait I changed my mind you can fly!!!!  Just don’t go away.’  and he arrived to late to see her off.  But then you hear her laughing in the wind, and she tackles Rabbit and says ‘ You think I would leave without saying goodbye to you?’  


Pooh: I hope Spring decides to come early this year. I can’t wait to see Kessie again!
Piglet: It’s the most peculiar thing: For the longest time, I thought Rabbit didn’t like her.
Pooh: You know, Piglet, sometimes people care too much. I think it’s called “love”.


My Diary

I went to the little sister of Cedar Point yesterday, called Alton Towers.  I went around with a group of girls who were to scared to ride the big rides, though I got one to ride Oblivion with me.   That was brilliant, basically it strapped you in, and you rode to the top of the rollercoaster and it points you downward to which you look into a black hole…and all of the sudden you just kind free-fall into it.  We screamed our heads off, but were laughing so hard  by the time we hit the hill going out of the hole.  I loved it, and basically it confirmed that I would love to sky dive one day.   After that exciting ride…I basically became a coat hanger for the rest of the afternoon.  The girls only wanted to do water rides, and I refused to walk around soaked for the remainder of the day.  They called me chicken, and then I politely reminded them who the true chickens were…all of them big talking that they were going to ride Oblivion, and then deciding not to last minute.   That shut them up.  🙂  I was impressed how cleanly it was, and it was on beautiful grounds.    There were gardens all over, I really loved it. 


Today was the Centenary celebration for the boys brigade, so I went to the celebration service to support the girls and boys.  They did a brilliant job leading the service.  The company had the worship band that played at Firm Foundations whom I really enjoyed worshiping with them at camp.


I have a semi-weird week.  Tomorrow Hannah is going to come and do end of year review with me, discuss what I’ve done,  the good parts, the bad parts…etc.  Tuesday I’ll be heading to Halesowen for the National Leadership Tour (I think that is what it’s called)…Wednesday I have first aid training…let’s see how well i do there.  Thursday William Sharp is having sports day, and I shall go to that, cause it will be my last time to see them.  I’m really sad about it, a lot.   I just don’t even really want to think about it.  Friday I get to head to Bath for my visit to see Rachel (WOOT WOOT)  after I give  a talk about how we see ourselves at afterschool club.   I’ll have a whole day with her Saturday, then head back that evening…to be home for Sunday morning to which I’ll be helping lead a service in Beeston.  It’s going to be a nice..busy..weekend.


I’m in the mood for homemade ice-cream.

and a huge waffle cone of Spouse Like a House from Handels.

Soooooooo basically.

I had a really interesting day today.  As I was on the bus going into Billborough, a guy sat with me that I knew from the school.  He’s one of the helpers there, but he was really paranoid…cause I guess a lot of people in Billborough don’t get along with him and don’t like him for some reason.  I don’t know why, he’s a lovely guy I think.  But anyways at the back of the bus was another guy that he wanted to stay away from, so every so often I had to turn around and tell him if this guy had left or not.  He was worried that the guy would do something, especially in front of the school kids.  You could tell he was really affected by this guy being on the bus, cause he was in and out of our conversation and didn’t really become his bubbly self till the guy actually got off the bus. 


I worked with a boy today in school and we got on the subject of why I was over here, and the organization I worked with.   He’s like…miss are you a christian…do you actually believe in Jesus?  I told him yep I really do.  He kind of shook his head and I asked him if he believed in Jesus and he said ‘well I believe that he was alive all those years back, but noo I don’t really believe that he’s God.’   I wanted to continue on the conversation, but unfortunately we had to start the lesson…and it was distracting him from his homework that he definately needed to get done. 


My Girls Club is always a blast.   Today we made get well cards for Sid, who Chantelle told me today that she was put in the hospital because they think she may have a blood clot in her lung.  I’m hoping to go visit tomorrow….I don’t know what hospital she is at, but I’ll find her.  Just like that song from Last of the Mohicans  ‘I’ll find you!’ ahaha  it is a good song.  We also glued our fingers together with this lethal super glue.  I’m still peeling remnants off from it.   Plus a lady came to kind of interview the girls,  to continue with getting funding to do our clubs they cover all the basis.  I was a bit nervous. 


I love my lunch club kids.  I do…the fact that they still cringe when they have to hold hands with the opposite sex, cracks me up.   I was sad today though, cause one of my boys whom I love dearly just wasn’t himself, and he had a very good reason for that too.  For what can you say to a boy whose mum died and her funeral is tomorrow? 

Gosh…yeah I just hated that fact.  I hate seeing any of them hurting. He had a brave face on, he always does.  I mean this is the boy that pushed his brother out of the way of a huge moving snow ‘boulder’ or whatever those are called and took the brunt of the force which broke both his legs.  I asked him.. wow didn’t you think twice about doing that?  He just shrugged his shoulders and said ‘I didn’t have to my brother would have died if I hadn’t done it’.   He’s been through so much, and now this.   


I love them.

in flight

When I was little I wanted to fly.  My imagination use to run wild and everytime I would finish watching Peter Pan or Mary Poppins I would climb our big, beautiful Magnolia tree in the backyard and jump from it.  Each time the goal was to try and fly, sometimes I even brought an umbrella with me.  I finally figured out though that the umbrellas I used were broke.  Leave it to my mom to the buy broken umbrellas.  I use to believe that if I really tried hard enough, that if I kept thinking of happy thoughts I would fly eventually.  I believed it with all my heart and as I grew up that belief started to fade away as reality of the human body and it’s inabilities became more apparent to me.


Maybe this whole fascination of flying when I was little has lead me to want to sky dive even more now.  To throw myself out of a plane to freefall thousands of miles in the air towards the ground,  trusting in this little red rip cord to properly release a parachute  to safely land.   Cause this would be the closest thing I could experience to flying. 


But as I keep thinking about it I don’t think it was ever just because I wanted to fly.  It was the destination.  My love for fairytales, for magical kingdoms of Lost Boys, make-believe, mermaids and pirates.  Of having a table filled with food of all colours, of adventures and tales to be told to friends.  I wanted to find a Neverland, where the worries of life and change would never affect me.  Like when I had to face the reality of wearing glasses so early on, I can still remember that dad layed with me till I stopped crying and fell asleep the night before I had to go into school for the first time with them on.  I just wanted to escape reality I guess.


I was a dreamer.


I still am a dreamer.


People ask me how God and I are doing.  At the moment if I were to be truthful, I’m struggling.  How could I be struggling when I’m working for an organization called Youth For Christ, doing full-time ministry?  I don’t know, honestly.  Maybe it’s the reality I’m in…and all I want to do is to revert back to my younger days and try to fly away to a place called Neverland.  Maybe it’s the fact that at the moment my heart hurts a lot for various situations that have happened and will be happening. 

As I was walking to church this morning, I looked up to the sky and saw the beautiful clouds dancing in the wind.  I started to cry and I said ‘God I don’t know anything anymore.  But what I do know is that through this hurt I will still praise you.’   Because even though at the moment I may be struggling, I know I serve a God who is big enough, He is my reality, my rock.  I can look back and see all He has done when at the time it may not have seemed like He was there at all.  That nothing is impossible with Him.  I choose Him, there’s no question about it.  I choose Him.  My soul will forever sing to my Savior, God and King how great thou art.   


I’ll continue to dream, maybe not of flying to Neverland, but of something so much more bigger than all of that.

I’m dreaming and believing the impossible.

Asparagus what are you doing?

That question was directed to me while I was in the year 7 base at Hadden.  ‘Asparagus’ the nickname given to me by one of my lovely girls after I raved and raved about how much I loved asparagus now.  It was either that or brussel sprouts..I think in all honesty I prefer the name asparagus.   I shall miss that question  ‘Asssppparagus what are you doing?’

I don’t know.

I never count down to anything..I didn’t even countdown to how many days I had before I departed for England.  But this week, I have begun to countdown to saturday.  If I am to be honest it’s going to a really tough day because my beautiful best friend Laura has decided she wants to get married, and I won’t be there to share in that amazing day with her.  Or spend the week with her helping smooth out last minute details, having slumber parties with her, and making sure she’s okay.  All those little things that you do with your best friend the week of her wedding…..I’m going to miss that.  I really miss her.  

Looking back at Laura and I.  I didn’t become friends with her until we were 10.  I don’t know why we never became friends earlier, we went to the same school since kindergarten practically.  For some reason though at the age of 10, we just kind of clicked.  She’s been through everything with me…and sometimes I wonder if she is crazy for sticking with me this long.  Nevermind I don’t need to wonder, she is crazy!!  haha but I love her.  In fact just like in ‘Anne of Green Gables’  I would say Laura is my kindred spirit.  There will never be anyone like her, anyone that could fill her spot or her shoes….for she will always be my Brain….whom I love dearly. 


My friend Kyle is coming on that day, I’m really glad.  He’ll help me laugh at silly things, either that or end up killing me because my sarcastic humour does his head in.    We have an odd relationship to be fair, he’s mean to me, I’m mean to him…but we consider each other best friends even in all that meanness.   It truly is a love/hate relationship…except in all honesty I could never really hate him, I just like to be mean to him. haha

 I’ve been blessed with some amazing friends.  You know I don’t think they ever really realize just how much each of them bless me.  Sometimes I think they under-estimate their worth…  The fact of the matter is that each of my friends are so unique, none of them are like the other, some of them probably wouldn’t even be able to get along cause they are so incompatible to hang  out with each other.   It doesn’t matter though, cause God placed each of the people that I love so dearly in my life for a reason.  My life just wouldn’t ever be the same without every one of them. Something would be missing from my life without each of them in it.  God definately knew what He was doing when He had me wait a year to come to England. Of course I don’t know why it is I have to miss Brain’s wedding, it hurts like crazy….but if I had come the year before like it was suppose to happen…I’d never would have met some of my dearest friends that I have come to love so much.  These are friends that I know I’ll have for life.

You Are My Sunshine

 I can’t believe it’s June already.   I think I say that every single time a  month passes by. 

I love England in the spring, everything is so lush and green.  Everytime I go to the park I love seeing the beauty set before me, and am reminded again and again of the love that God put into creating the earth. Have you ever noticed how in Genesis when God was creating the world and everything in it, He said it was good.   But when He created Adam, He said this was very good.  God thinks we are very good, not just good..but very… He basically thinks we are the ‘bees knees’.   We are the prize cheesecake among all cheesecakes in the dessert counter. (well…that’s my analogy, cause I compare everything to cheesecake) It reminds me everytime, when I think of myself as ugly, unfit,  not good enough, or underestimating my abilities…I remember that God created me.  That He doesn’t see me as just ‘good’ like the beautiful  scenery set before me that I find absolutely breath-taking…He views me as ‘very good’, more beautiful then the nature I love and that I view as stunning.  He loves me.  Sometimes I just can’t get my mind to really grasp that.      


I think back on when I was really struggling with my relationship with God, when I hated myself and life.  It was like this huge cloud was over me…blocking the any type of light to shine through..suffocating me.  But I remember that night after so many months of struggle, when God broke through and told me He loved me, and that everything I had done wasn’t too big for Him to forgive.  It was that night I could finally breathe again, it all just clicked and I finally believed.  The sun broke through those clouds. 


You are my sunshine my only sunshine
You make me happy when skies are grey
You’ll never know dear how much I love you
So please don’t take my sunshine away


  The fact of the matter is God will never leave us like what happens in the song.  I am so very thankful, that no matter what happens, what roads I take, decisions I make.  God’s love for me will never leave.  He always love me, no matter what.  He is my sunshine.