Love In A Time of Flippancy

I remember the day how my dad had gotten on me about using the word ‘awesome’ all the time.  I remember him saying something to the affect of ‘How can you use the same word that describes God and also use it to describe a car?’  Quite frankly the word became overused in my vocabularly, much to the chagrin of my dad.

 

It’s quite amusing how some terms become so loosely used.  I realised a while back ago I was starting to walk down the same path with the ‘I love you’ term as I was with ‘awesome’.   You know there are four different types of love in the Greek language?  I philio you, storge, eros, and agape.  All four have a different type of role with love.    Philio is having to do with the type of love you would have in a friendship.  Storge is family.   Eros is physical.  And agape is the love of all,  the sacrificial love.    The Greeks must have known what they were doing, because sometimes it gets so common just to say I love you in a fleeting moment without a second thought of what you really mean…and if you even mean it, or trying to blackmail someone into doing somthing for you by saying ‘I’ll love you forever if you do this.’  There are so many different ways of loving, and yet we only have one word to use.   

 

On Fridays I have designated to visit my grandmum and my great aunt at Fairlawn, the nursing home in town.  These two ladies, dare I say it,  I dearly love.  Both are getting up in age, but yet have a mind of their own.  My grandmum is a proud mum, grandmum and great-grandmum and she isn’t afraid to tell everyone just how proud she is.  My great aunt knows everyone, knows the history, and without a bat of the eyelid she can tell me that I’m related to someone that I didn’t realise I was related to.  It makes for interesting conversations.  Before I left I had visited her at her home, and she was having a rough time but yet still doing alright.   While I was gone she had a stroke and had to go into the nursing home.  Being an independent woman, very headstrong and stubborn at times, having to do that kind of strips you of any pride you may be holding onto.  Not only that you have to rely on people to help take care of you, while you have been taken out of the element of what has been considered your home for a long time, having to come fit life into a foreign place trying to make it as cosy and homelike as possible .  There’s only a certain amount you can do with that.  You don’t have much but what you do have, you hold onto.   My Aunt still has her power of speech and she uses it. 

I had visited her last week and sat with her while she was having her supper.  We had small talk, and I told her a bit about the year, we laughed and genuinely enjoyed each others company.   It came time for me to head home and I gave her a hug and a kiss and said ‘I love you’ ……. as she looked up at me, her eyes started to water a bit and with a smile she said ‘I love you’.

 

Sometimes it’s nice to have four different words for four different kinds of love.  Sometimes ‘I love you’  is overused, and at times flippantly used.  Sometimes it becomes such a habit we forget what we are really saying. 

 

But in that instant I knew without a doubt she meant it with her whole heart.

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Je’Taime

One of the vendors today said to me ‘How was your overseas trip?  I guess it’s back to reality for you!’   and I smiled and I said ‘It was wonderful!!! And no, actually it was and is reality for me.’   That is the truth, it is my reality.  It’s a part of me, and something that I will always hold close to my heart.  The young people, my friends, my family, the land,  and even the coffee shops. 🙂  I really do love my home in Pettisville , the young people, my friends, my family, the land, and yes even the one coffee shop.  As it is both places are my reality. Even though I have left doesn’t mean the stories don’t continue, the tears, the fights, the laughter, the joys, the sorrows, the pain all those continue on it’s just that I’m not there anymore to narrate.  

I have a confession, this post is going to be based on a movie I just watched with my friend Luke.   For a while I had tried to explain what it is about being in a different country, about feeling more at home in England and in Russia then what I sometimes do in America.  A lot of  people find it hard to understand, living in someone elses home, being away from everyone you know, from a culture you grew up with, how someone could love that.   I guess I just couldn’t put into words what my heart was feeling.  I saw this movie and it made me cry, because this whole year I tried to explain and I couldn’t and in a seven minute clip this director was able to put words into what it was that I couldn’t express.

 

‘Sitting there,  alone in a foreign country.  Far from my job and everyone I know.  A feeling came over me, it was like remembering something I’d never known before or had always been waiting for, but I didn’t know what.  Maybe it was something I’d forgotten or something I’d been missing all my life. All I can say is that I felt, at the same time, joy and sadness.  But not too much sadness, because I felt alive.  Yes alive.’

 

There is a path along the university grounds that is surrounded by trees.  I would walk along and sit on the benches, watching the ducks and geese fly by and land smoothly in the water.  Where people would  lay on the grass, having a wee picnic, or just lay out and enjoy the sun.    Many times I would just walk along and talk to God, and during one of those times my heart just overflowed with this joy and happiness and then a sadness when my mind remembered the thought that I would have to leave.  The tears just started to roll down my face, and I sat down on a bench and it started to rain a wee bit. 

In that moment just like the lady did in Paris, I realized I fell in love with England

 

and I felt England fall in love with me.

thoughts on tiredness

Today was an interesting day, only because I resorted to a Monster Java to give me some energy.  Some people say being tired is all to do mentally and your outlook etc….but I can seriously contest that.   My body is tired, and my eyes are droopy…..that is not the works of my thinking.  

 

One of the many things that I had been looking forward to starting back work was seeing some of my regular customers whom I had grown to love.  There was one fellow who reminded me of Wallace from ‘Wallace and Gromit’ and every Tuesday he would get either a half pound of muenster cheese, farmers cheese, or head cheese.  I always looked forward to seeing him, and he always brought a smile to my face.  There are certain people that do that, they don’t really have to do much to make me happy, and he was one of them.   Today unfortunately I found out he passed away last week.   The shock of the news stayed with me for most of the day, and now there will be a hole in Tuesdays where I’ll look for him to come in and greet me with his German accent while saying ‘May I have a half pound of Muenster cheese please?’  

 

So much can change in such a short period of time.   I was asked the question of ‘why’ once.  Why  would this happen, or why would God let this happen.   Hearts break, tears are shed, and you just never feel like you will be the same again for a loss has occurred.  There is now that void in your life where it had once been filled, and you wonder if you’ll ever be able to stop crying.

 

One of my boys I will forever remember.  He risked his life to save his baby brother.  Broke both legs, had to have surgery…. was brave enough to do that and when I asked him if he had been scared or second guessed pushing his brother out of the way and taking his place all he said was ‘My brother would have died if I hadn’t.’  Then a couple of months later, his mum died.  Why did that have to happen?   I have no idea. 

 

I read a book earlier this week called Love You Forever, it describes a mothers love for her son and she would sing to him while he was sleeping when he was a baby till he was an adult….  

‘I’ll love you forever.

I’ll like you for always,

As long as I’m living.

My baby you’ll be.’

 

and when the mother was older and becoming sick, the son took her in his arms and sang

‘I’ll love you forever

I’ll like you for always,

As long as I’m living

My mommy you’ll be.’

 

 

I love that.

Hipster

 

I’m shattered.  Really shattered.  I started up work yesterday.   It was nice to get back into a somewhat normal routine, plus being back in a job where everything is engrained into your cranium is really helpful.   I even remembered the deli numbers for the different meats and cheese!  It’s been a whole year, but apparently I must have a good memory for certain things. 

I was able to see a lot of my favourite truck drivers too which was nice.  It’s funny the things they remember….

 

Apparently last night as I was exercising, I did something to my hip.   I’m not exactly sure, but it really hurts at the moment to walk…sit…get up….pretty much everything.  I really want to exercise right now too, so it’s a wee bit annoying that I feel a bit handicapped.   There are moments in life where I do truly appreciate the fact of being lazy, but I’m just not in a very lazy mood right now.   I guess if I felt like sitting down and watching a chick flick it wouldn’t be so bad, but I’d rather be outside running or walking.    I hobbled around for the first half of work until my ibuprofen kicked in, I must say I fit right in….it was Sr. Citizens day.  🙂    

 

I think I may go for a wee bit of a walk, maybe it will do my hip some good.  I hope so, otherwise…I may just be a sore girl for a while.