driving to a coffee shop

It feels strange to be home on a Wednesday by myself.  The house feeling strangely quiet, the tv not blaring with ‘Who Wants to Be a Millionaire’ or the movie of the day.  The laughter is gone, the moments where Dad would yell for me and try and get Dianne in trouble…. but that usually turned against him.   

Today instead I drove to a coffee shop to meet up with Dianne.  We talked about what is happening, how we’re doing..and drank really wonderful coffee.  I’m glad she is still a part of our life, even though Dad may be gone.

Sometimes I replay the last day.  Instead of leaving and saying ‘I love you’ …my last statement to him was the question  ‘Are you alright?’  to which he replied ‘yeah.’  I can’t change that day.  If I could rewind and be with him instead of at work, and say all the right things I would do it in a flash.  But I can’t.

My friend reminded me of the quote from Maria Rainer Rilke

“A person isn’t who they are during the last conversation you had with them – they’re who they’ve been throughout your whole relationship.”

 

I’m glad that my relationship with my daddy was a loving one, that he knew I loved him, that I told him often.  I’m glad that I don’t have to worry that he’s only going to focus on that last question, because he has our whole relationship to know that I really did.

So I won’t live with regrets.  

Living a life filled with regrets will only bring sorrow, living a life with  no regrets will bring peace.

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Trees and Memories

I love when autumn comes to visit and our trees turn beautiful shades of vibrant reds, yellows and oranges.  You are able to see just how God’s designs are beautifully and intricately created.   How much detail He put into creating each and every single leaf whilst making it a vital part of the plant.  

 

I love how Pablo Casals compares humanity to a tree.  Each leaf cannot live without the other, and wouldn’t be without the base, the core.  We all come together and play a part, a vital part in this world.  To think that we can live as a singular organism alone is being ignorant, because even in the human body there are so many organs and cells that make up and work together for us to function.  For all that God has made, everything more or less depends on something else in order to survive.

 

I’m so thankful that God gave me 6 months to spend with my dad one last time, and now I can see why He had me come back.  Margaret and I were talking yesterday that God knew what He was doing, even though both of us were trying to plot ways for me to miss my plane.   I would never  in a million years trade these last months.  Whether it was dancing and singing to the music in Sister Act while my dad groaned and would tell me to go away with a smile on his face.   Or watching movies with him and Diane on my days off, or running out the door because I got caught up in a movie with them and had to get to work.    Getting to stick  my hand down the back of his shirt like he use to do to us when we came in from the cold, was a favourite of mine..especially when he use to say that he would never torture us like that.   Yelling at him everytime he would throw Ellie a chip from McDonalds, and then do it purposely with a devilish grin on his face  as I stood there with my arms crossed.  Making cookies and anything else under the sun that I would bake for him to taste test.  Getting to stand on the back of his motorized wheelchair as he drove me along through the church…without my mum knowing.   Being able to go to sleep knowing that when I woke up and went downstairs I’d see him with that handsome smile of his.   I wouldn’t trade these last months for the world. 

 

We ought to think that we are one of the leaves of a tree, and the tree is all humanity. We cannot live without the others, without the tree. ~
Pablo Casals

 

  I’m so thankful for what all has been done  for our family through this time of grieving.   We truly would not be able to do this without everyone’s support and are so touched by the love that has been shown to us.   

 

  

 

the day the world stood still

I have always loved the feeling of being under water and the silence it brings to my life.  It’s just you with the world muffled all above you, your thoughts being the only thing that can break it. 

Today as I was at work all I wanted to do was retreat to that silent area, to curl up and not have to worry about helping customers or put on a smile.   I just wanted to be with my daddy, and I thought everything would be okay.  He was still here.

We weren’t expecting it to happen, mum and I thought it was just going to be another weekend in the hospital.  To have to see the look in  my brother’s eyes as he told me daddy passed away was devastating.   I keep expecting to hear the tv on as I go upstairs, to hear him call my name to pop in the vhs he chose to watch tonight. 

I layed in his bed and cried myself to sleep, the silence that I had been wishing for earlier in the day now seemed deafening to my ears.  Every once in a while his watch will beep which makes it even harder and his shoes are right still where we left them…waiting to be put on his feet. 

When do the tears stop?