coffee leads to crazy thinking

This time last year I was sitting with Richard at a coffee shop discussing what my future plans consisted of.   How extremely difficult the decision to leave Nottingham was for me but how I was ready to get on with my life and really invest in my future education.  How investing in that education did not include teaching, but music performance.   Remember that Dawson?   What you probably don’t remember is how much I really was holding back tears that day, because I was determined that somehow God was going to tell me ‘Erin what are you doing you donkey!!???  You are suppose to stay in Nottingham, I’m not done with you here yet!’  

That didn’t happen.   As much as I was ready for university, I wasn’t ready to let go of Nottingham and everyone that became like my family to me.   Of course Dawson, we both know your pastoral skills,  if I had started to cry  it would have been interesting to see your reaction and how you handled it. 😉 

So a year has passed.  I’m now sitting by myself in front of a laptop.   No Richard in sight to talk to about my future plans now, only a bright screen filled with my typing to which he will read. 

Last year I had the news that my dad would be going into surgery when I would be in France.  This year my dad is in heaven.  

Amazing how time changes everything.

Last year I was determined that teaching wasn’t for me.  

This year my major has changed to English Education, with a minor in English as a New Language. 

Shocked?  I thought maybe you would be, but maybe you won’t be.   Last year was such a growing experience for me, getting immersed into a different culture, being in schools, and having all the young people tell me that I would be such a nice teacher.  Of course I was determined and dead set against being one.  This year having been out of the schools, but helping with my youthgroup, speaking in front of groups at church, in classes, and leading bible study…I have found myself more and more loving the idea of becoming a teacher.  I have found myself missing the classroom, oh don’t worry I still remember the annoying hair pulling moments how sick I was during mission week getting in front of the classroom to lead, how awkward I felt at times, and how I thought I’d be a horrible teacher… I haven’t romanticized this at all! 

I just know that I love working with young people, I love teaching and learning new things, and getting youth enthusiastic about it.  I’ve also taken up your advice and have practiced, talking out loud what I’ll be saying, and I know that with a curriculum it will be a bit easier but that sometimes I’ll have to do a bit of improv, which you have taught me well.    I want to work at schools like Sharp or Hadden.    So maybe who knows…one day I could be back in Notts, but this time a teacher.  How long it will take me get back, I don’t know.  But I do know that God isn’t done with me yet, and wherever He takes me I’ll follow. 

So Dawson after my adamant refusal of being a teacher, I guess I should thank you.  Thanks for having me in Notts, for putting me in the schools that you did, for working with my crazy, sometimes very american sarcastic self.   Because if you hadn’t, I’d probably be sitting here still trying to figure out what I wanted to do with my life.  But don’t let this go to your head, because I can’t give you all the credit of course!  😉  There’s Em, Chan, Sid, Margaret, Jenny, Brian, Graham, and everyone else involved in my life.  lol.   It’s a group effort.

But just so you guys know,  I love you all and miss you so very much.  But don’t think you have seen the last of Erin, cause I’ll be back definately to visit, and maybe just maybe to work. 🙂 xx

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specially for you

 

Sometimes I just need to listen to classical music, my brain gets so jumbled up with the pop music I listen too that I just need something calming.  One memory that Caitlin and Jess have of me while at training was when I fell onto my bed saying in a crazy tone ‘FRANK I NEEED FRANK, AHHHH!’  Before heading to England I really didn’t listen to as much techno, r&b, hip hop, etc so after having to listen to all that music all the time, you can tell that I had been on overload. 

Right now I’m listening to BBC Radio 3.   Beautiful classical music, that just is doing my heart good.     I had been listening to techno earlier and felt my brain turning to mush, cause I’ve literally been listening to it for the past couple days.   I miss the PROMS.  I’d love to go to the Royal Albert Hall and just sit and listen once more.   It’s the one place that I wouldn’t mind attending by myself and feeling like a nerd….it’s just that wonderful.  The first night of the PROMS is July 16th, you can be sure that I’m going to try and listen to it on the radio. 

Today I felt like crap, I had a horrible headache and was not feeling well at all.   I was forcing a smile through out the day when i really just wanted to cry.  Then came the point where I had forgotten there was a stack of boxes outside of the deli waiting for me to take them to the bailer until one of my coworkers reminded me of it.  He helped me take the boxes back and afterwards I thanked him with his reply ‘You know I wouldn’t help just anyone! Just specially for you.’ 

That made me feel a bit better.

I came home and listened to the messages on the answering machine, and basically about cried.  Margaret called and left a message for me.  I miss her dearly.   It was lovely to hear her voice and it did my heart some good.   Of course it just made me miss ‘home’ even more though.  I definately need to plan a trip soon.

we roll like cement.

I’ve had a happy week and for that I’m blessed.  I was concerned it would be stressful since I was taking on the load of being in charge of the deli for the week, but it hasn’t.  I’ve had so much fun with my coworkers and we’ve had a very relaxing time and have meshed so well that time has gone by so fast, even when I dropped fifteen pounds worth of potato salad and wanted to cry.    No arguments, no put-downs,  just encouragement and laughter.  That is how I roll. 🙂

Today I ran home an extra two miles instead of the block it normally takes me to walk from church to the Market.   I was listening to random music whilst making sure I wouldn’t get hit by any on-coming cars.  That’s always a plus in the run!  I passed by a driveway and noticed how some of the cement was breaking apart around the outside.   I started to think about life, of course.  When dad died I retreated inside and became so angry.  I didn’t really let anyone know, but I cried myself to sleep so many nights asking God why.  I know that dad was hurting, that he was ready, that he hated what MS had done to him, and that he didn’t want to be a burden to us anymore, which he never was.  But then it was like God said ‘okay Erin, it’s alright to be angry…but come back now we can pull through together.’  if I were honest part of me wanted to say ‘umm no.’  but I remembered everything that He had and continues to do for me and said ‘Okay.’

So why did broken cement remind me of this?   Whenever I think about cement, I always think it’s such a firm foundation to have especially when you are building.   But if you pour the cement without having a base, or on a really unstable piece of land it’s going to crack..cause the foundation wasn’t laid properly.  If my relationship with God or ‘foundation’ had been unproperly laid, dad’s death would have shown the cracks most definately.  As much as my heart shattered that day mum called with the news,  little by little it is being repaired.  Each day He gives me something to smile about, and I have crappy days, somedays driving past McDonalds will remind me of dad and I will cry my eyes out on my way to work.  I miss him so much. 

Thankfully he helped instill a firm foundation and was such an example to me of what it meant to have a real relationship with God.  

Happy Father’s Day Daddy, I love you.