On the M-6, going past, oop, hello Grand Rapids

Time goes by so quickly.  Sometimes I find myself looking at the clock and wishing it would get to a certain time.  Other times I wish time would slow down.  Then there are days where I wish I could just freeze time in that certain spot, and I could stay there in that moment, happy and smiling.  What is it with time?  There are days where we wish we could have a few more hours added to the day, and then there are times where we just want the day to end as quickly as possible!  Will I ever be content? Probably not. 

This past weekend was the one year anniversary of Dad’s death.  I woke up Thursday morning and remembered that day, of snow, movies, and the soup making afternoon.  I remember complaining to my friend Tim that dad would not eat my soup, and instead ate a disgusting sausage egg and cheese sandwich.  I was so mad.  I just remember him giving me his usual smile, and me frowning at him as he laughed at my displeasure of his meal choice and as we sat and watched tv, how could I have ever known those moments would be my last with him.  The next morning I remember walking downstairs, and seeing mum’s face.  I stayed home with Dad as Mum ran and got medicine and came back. 

‘Are you alright?’, I asked Dad.  ‘Yeah.’ he replied. 

As I left for work, how would I have ever known that would be the last I’d ever get to talk with him. 

When I talked with Tim later, I told him I wished I had never been so mad over a petty thing.  Soup doesn’t seem so important now. 

 Mum and I traveled up to Grand Rapids to see Jane.  I love my girls in my hall, and they have given me so much love and support in this weekend.  I’m grateful for each one of them.  But if I had stayed put, dwelling on those days would have completely overwhelmed me, and to be honest?  I just wanted family near by.  So for a couple days we explored Grand Rapids. 

I learned mum doesn’t like driving in places she isn’t familiar with, and she doesn’t like directions given to her so that she would have to make split second manuevering.  I also learned that she still doesn’t trust my driving.  Janelle and I learned that understanding the technology of the GPS is a hard one for mum, and that she will never be a world traveler.  We’re going to work on this, because I am determined she has to at least visit me once or twice when I move to England.  We learned that mum does not like Princess Di’s taste in clothing.  Personally, I loved the black sequin dress.  We also learned that mum and I do really well when it comes to viewing dead bodies, muscles, organs, skeletons, etc.  Janelle, on the otherhand, does not do so well.  We learned that mum likes to drive the speed limit, even though I declared that Jesus would have driven 70.  We learned on this trip that I probably have a very unorthodox view of Jesus’ driving record.  We learned that the showers in the morning would probably be a chilly one.  Mum learned how to make waffles and Janelle declared I should marry the guy with an accent that kept walking by, apparently he was a proper English man.  We learned that mum doesn’t remember directions very well when she is with others, if we hadn’t been there, she’d probably be in Canada right now.  We learned that mum prefers the sweeter drinks and I prefer the ones with a bit of flavour but not too sweet.  We learned that Janelle still believes I will be the mother of her nieces and nephews.  We also learned that Erin is going to have a hysterectomy. 😉 

Oh yes, self-pay toll booths.  They ruin Mum’s day. 

Over-all it was a fun weekend and it was just what I needed, and hopefully one mum and jane enjoyed. 

Time goes by so quickly.   As much as I want to graduate soon, I will never wish away the time given to me. 

Each moment is precious, and each moment is a gift.  Every memory made, treasured forever.

“We need, in love, to practice only this: letting each other go. For holding on comes easily; we do not need to learn it.”-Rainer Maria Rilke

Daddy, I love you.


The Break-Up

Today I was advised to break-up with money. In looking into it I believe that it is great advice. And then I started to write in my journal and a thought came to my heart. Maybe I should break-up with MS. Because not only does it get in the way with my relationship with God, it scares me out of life. How will I ever live, if it continues to be a plaguing thought in the back of my head.

The Cycle

I remember sitting on the beach.  Watching the waves come and go.   The roar in my ears, the wind whipping my hair and splashing a salty mist into my face.  Closing my eyes and laying down on the sand, I could feel the sun beating down and the warmth brushing my face.   Never did nature feel so alive then at that moment.

I remember waking up on my day off, and looking outside.  The pureness of the white snow glowed, as more gently fell to the ground.  Running downstairs, grabbing my camera, and throwing all that I could find warm, on myself.  The frosty cold hit my face and instantly made my nose and cheeks redden up.  The bitterness seemed to travel into me and course through my body, making me shiver.  The winter wonderland, the silence the morning brought with no one out.   I closed my eyes and breathed in the beauty that surrounded me.  Never did nature feel so alive then at that moment.   

With arms stretched wide out from me, my head towards the sky, the luke warm rain beat down.  The sky a heavy slate gray, with only a few peaks of sunshine warmth coming through.  The tree leaves were showing off their vibrants greens.  Thunder boomed in the distance, and a crack of lightning streaked across the sky.  The smell of fresh spring rain overwhelmned the air.  Never did nature so alive then at that moment.

The crackling leaves broke underneath my feet as I tramped through the woods.  The smell of burning piles filled the air as the wind picked up and knocked more to the ground.  Oranges, Reds, Yellows and Greens spread across the sky as I looked up and my view was the changing colours on the trees.  Never did nature feel so alive then at that moment.

Running to the bus stop I made it just in time to hop on.  As I lugged my bag to an open seat, I sat down, and looked out the window.  As houses and store fronts passed quickly by, I smiled to myself as ‘Long Eaton Green’ was announced. I slowly got up as the bus went around the round-about, walking towards the front and holding tightly on as it came to a stop.  I said a quick thank you as I lighted off and my driver gave me a wink and said ‘Goodbye me duck.’  I smiled as I walked home my heart never feeling as happy as in that moment.

After years of dreaming, and many months of fundraising I boarded the plane.  Sitting by Jackie and talking about life, nerves shot through my stomach.   My first overseas flight and it was to the country I loved so dearly and talked about constantly.  As the hours wore on, the excitement never faded.  Suddenly the ‘Fasten Seatbelt’ sign blinked on and the pilot announced we should be landing in Moscow shortly.  I closed my eyes, my stomach a ball of nerves, and I smiled. My heart never feeling as happy as in that moment.

Talking and shouting were everywhere.  Confusion coursed through the air as the preparations were taking place.  Decorations being properly put on the tables, and Grandmum and Grandpop were the couple of the evening.  Celebrating 50 years of marriage, a grand occasion.  Surrounded by family from all over, the one of the few times we would all ever be together again.  Laughter surrounded me as we formed a group picture, and I smiled.  My heart never feeling as happy as in that moment.

Standing at Sundays not knowing exactly what to do.  I was five years old and just getting out of kindergarten, lighting up the steps to open the front door I soon realized the door was locked and no one home.  I contiplated my options, and decided to run over to Grandma and Grandpa Lantz’s house.  I knocked and to my hearts delight, grandma answered.  Relief overwhelmed me and I spent the day there until mum got off work.  I fell asleep on their recliner chair, smiling to myself, my heart never feeling as happy as in that moment.

We made the decision. Tears coursing down my face.  The first time I would ever have to experience putting down a pet.  We took turns laying with Button on the kitchen floor the night before she’d be taken to the vet.  Her old age had finally caught up with her, and I could still remember the day we picked her up when I was 5.  As I kissed her head one last time, I never thought my heart could hurt as much as it did that day.

I disappointed myself and I had disappointed my friend. I was young and learning still, but when I betrayed the trust placed on me, I instantly felt like a horrible person.  I vowed to myself that never again would that happen, and that day I became a vault.  I cried myself to sleep, knowing our friendship would never be the same.  I never thought my heart could hurt as much as it did that day.

Sitting in the airplane leaving Birmingham, I looked out at the rainy, gray sky.  I was in denial, contiplating getting off the plane.  I wasn’t ready to say goodbye, to let go of friendships, and not see people I so dearly loved, every day.  My heart broke and tears started to fall, as two old men sat beside me speaking in another language.  The plane lifted off the ground and my whispered prayer of “God, please no.” went unanswered.  I never thought my heart could hurt as much as it did that day.

Walking into the hospital, I saw everyone standing in the corner.  I could feel the tears and burning in my throat start as I tried to hold back my sobs.  They let us go in one by one, and I layed down next to Dad whispering into his ear “I love you.” Praying hard that he would come back and his eyes would open.  My heart went numb as I left the room and broke into a million pieces that afternoon.  I never thought my heart could hurt as much as it did that day.

Life is a cycle, that continues through all these emotions that we never thought could repeat.  Of course each emotion has a different depth to it, but for me I always seem to think ‘Life can’t ever get any better, or worse, or beautiful.’ When in fact each moment given to us is a moment that we have never experienced before.  There is always something different and new about each experience, in falling in love, in grief, in living life and experiencing it through new eyes each day.

Every day is a gift, and maybe… we should start delighting in that.