Just Get Back In

Ever have those dreams that seem to haunt you night after night?  It never fails for me to have a dream on repeat, especially the dream that I do not necessarily want to revisit.  I woke myself up crying and screaming out loud ‘NOOO!!’.  Luckily I did not wake any of my roommates up with this one.  I’m quite famous in the room when it comes to late night entertainment.  Sometimes I fall off the bed and start to laugh.  I’ve talked many times, and have sat up.  Of course I also have a record of swearing in my sleep, and agreeing to things that I never remember agreeing to.  But this last dream disturbed me, so much so that I was truly crying when I woke up.

Dad and I were at Cedar Point and we decided to ride the Millennium Force.  No big deal, I’ve ridden it a couple of times, but this time was different.  Dad would turn into Grandpa Lantz every so often, so I was never sure who I would be talking to whenever I’d look to my side.  It was nice having both of them at my side again.  Anyways, we get to the highest part of the hill and we are stuck.  Dad and I sit there for a while and I start having second thoughts.  “Dad, I don’t want to do this anymore, I can’t do this” and he agreed.  The weird part was that he was mobile inside the cart, he could move freely and all of a sudden he just decides he agrees with me and gets out of the roller coaster cart and sits on the track.  I scream at him ‘WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!! Daddy you got to get back in, we’re almost there, just get back in.”  Once he was out of the cart he couldn’t move, it was like his muscles stiffened up  and as I reached for him he started to slide backwards off the track, and I watched him fall off.  My heart lurched and that is when I woke myself up screaming “NO!”.

There is no doubt that I have been extremely exhausted, overworked, and just questioning myself along this journey at school.  I’ve been missing the nostalgic times, I’ve been missing my family.  I’ve been longing for the day when I can finally just settle down and feel like I belong somewhere (semi) permanent.

Maybe this dream was an accumulation of all of that.  And I guess I just need to follow my own advice “Just get back in, we’re almost there.”

I think I’ve been around a lot of people feeling the exact same way as I do.  We all have our different roller coasters we are trying to overcome and ride.  We all just want to be at the end, but enjoy the thrill along the way…and sometimes we get stuck at the top for a bit, but finally the malfunction gets fixed and we’re on our way once again.  And in the end we’re grateful that we rode the ride.

I sometimes long for those 1st grade days when I received my glasses for the first time.  Where the biggest obstacle for me was having to survive the first time wearing glasses at school and dad laid by my side stroking my hair as I cried and fell asleep.  Everything seemed so daunting back then but I had mum and dad there by my side, and I knew deep down everything would be okay.  The weight of the world would lift because I had their reassurance.

I have my cheerleaders in the background chanting “Just get back in, you are almost there.  Everything will be okay.”  And there are days where I truly believe it, and there are days where all I want is to lay in bed like I did back in 1st grade.

2nd Corinthians 4:16-18

16 Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. 17 For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. 18 So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.


But don’t worry about me, because I do know deep down that everything will be okay.


This is one ride that I’m going to continue journeying on with my whole heart.




cluttered emotions

These past few weeks have been overwhelming for me.  I don’t know how to describe the feeling except to imagine a piece of string wound tightly around the heart and everyday it constricts more and more until the pressure is too much to endure.  I have no idea why I have been feeling this way or why I have been so exhausted.  Mum and I tossed around a few possibilities as we were driving to town earlier but I just knew that being home this weekend would do me some good.   Especially this weekend.


I found myself in tears many times during the week.  Certain sounds, phrases and even images would trigger memories.  Memories that would come full force and completely catch me off guard during class.  Two years have passed and yet it still feels like yesterday at times.  The dread I felt during the day while at work, catching myself listening for the page to answer the phone.  The moments I just wanted to curl up and not wait on customers, questioning my decision to even work my shift.  The moment David answered the phone as I was checking stuff on the internet and getting ready to head over to the hospital… wishing I had just gone over right away, not knowing there was any urgency.  The instant regrets one always has flooding the heart.

I remember the day I wore glasses for the first time at the young age of 8, and dad stayed with me, stroking my hair, until I cried myself to sleep.  I remember the day I found out Tom had died and I layed next to dad, both of us crying.  The moments he would introduce me as his baby girl.  The times we would convince him to stop at Rally’s or any other fast food restaurants, but it was never that hard to convince him.  The times he lead the services at church and everyone would come out crying, and NO ONE would ever tell me what dad said to move people to tears.  Watching him pull up to the drive way after he’d get off work, or the times he’d lay down with us by the vent and fall asleep with the warm air blasting on us.  Dad making the same crinkling nose face that I make whenever he saw something (foodwise) that looked unpleasant. “It’s a Beautiful Day in the Neighborhood”.  The drives to violin lessons.  The Cleveland Indians games blasting on the radio.  His laughter.


Two years have gone by with added tears and joys.  New memories I have made that fill me with happiness.  Living life out with happy tears as Judah would say.  The daddy shaped hole in my heart.  So much emotion cluttering this heart.