McDonald’s Moments

When I was younger I use to love heading to McDonald’s with Grandpa and Grandmum Lantz.  It was a ritual that for lunch they would get their fish sandwich, and I would get a happy meal.  I was spoiled rotten with those two, mum will even attest to it.  I did not have to beg and plead too much to convince them that a run to McDonald’s was a necessity to our lives.  After both Grandpa and Grandmum were gone, dad took over the role of McDonald’s runs, actually let me correct that to fast food runs:  Arbys, Wendys, McDonalds, Burger King was a big one, KFC, oh and Rallys.  Seriously, it was bad.  Going to and from our church in Swanton, it was not hard to convince dad to stop at one of these places.

Eventually it turned into the point when dad would be trying to convince me that these type of stops were a necessity.   Every once in a while I would go and bring dad his double cheeseburger and fries, or an icey pepsi.  However, this was during my health kick, so it was a rare occasion when I would cave.  I was not as gracious as they were to me when I was younger.  In fact, you could possibly call me the Iron Curtain on this subject.  Don’t feel too badly for daddy, because Uncle Jerry and Aunt Karin did a great job of feeding both him and Ellie on their visits, so his wish was granted quite a bit.

I can always hear myself asking Dad what he would like for supper, a far away look would come to his eyes as he would grin his little devilish smile and say “A double cheeseburger from McDonald’s.”  As always my reply would be “How about some wonderful tasting brussel sprouts.” and he would instantly put on a look of disgust as he replied “Oh no no no no no.”

One of my first “McDonald’s moments” was on a drive to work.  I had decided to go a different route that day and passed by McDonald’s, and as I stared at the sign I started to sob.  It was uncontrollable, coming from the depths that I hadn’t felt since those first weeks of losing him.  I was finally able to compose myself as I walked into work, red-eyed and a bit disoriented.  I got back to the deli and was putting on my hat as my sister was in the freezer unloading boxes for the bakery.  I just looked at her and started to cry saying “All I did was pass McDonald’s…I miss him so much.”  All I did was pass McDonald’s.

I had a “McDonald’s moment” today, as I was getting ready to throw away something that was Dad’s and unfortunately, did not work anymore.  I sat there, frozen on the bed, holding it in my hand and started to cry.  I was chatting with Jane later, telling her about it, and she hit it right on the spot.  Throwing it away is like throwing a piece of him away, I’ve attached memories to this object.

 

It’s scary to think about how much I grasp at trying to remember his voice, after two years.  How quickly it can leave you, and how badly all you want is for God to bring it back in a dream or in a random instance.  Those memories are ones I do cherish, but they are moments that completely catch me off my guard.  And maybe I need them to remind me that it’s okay to have those moments.  Those moments where I have to say I lost my dad…………. I lost my dad.

A time to let it all out, to not force a smile, or pretend it isn’t something I think about.

Maybe my “McDonald’s Moment’s” are really moments of healing in the midst of the tears.

Rest My Soul

Sometimes I fear that I will never experience what I was truly put on this earth for, that the horizons I see in my future will never be reached and that those dreams are just passing boats in the distance. But already the net I have cast into the sea is brimming over with life’s joys and hardships, that this fear seems so insignificant in all that I have already experienced. Come my soul, see, and find peace.

~my life’s interpretation inspired by Hurston

Take-off.  How do I describe the feeling I have when I am sitting on the plane, waiting for that specific moment when the airplane surges forward and my heart feels like it stops beating for a few seconds. How do I describe the moment when I know that I am moving forward, and I see the land moving so quickly until I am so high in the air that it does not feel like we are moving at all.  How do I describe the majestic presence of cumulus clouds and the feeling of awe I experience when the clouds I love watching are now below me.

How do I describe the moments when I can view nature, untamed and free, without worry or anxiety clouding my thoughts.  The moments when I can sit on a bench with my eyes closed, listening to children’s laughter and feeling the warmth of the sun gently resting on my face.

True peace.  True joy.  I will be coming home soon.  A break for a weary heart.

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 Sitting on my stepping stones, remembering how so much has changed in these three years of separation.  Drinking in the memories and the wishes I had made for the future.  These three years filled with so much sorrow and yet so much joy, that laughter came with the tears and never left my side.  But most of all I can sit there and rejoice in how much my life has been blessed in these three years, and that God continues to bring new experiences, new friends, and wonderful memories.

Come my soul, see, and find peace.