Anx-iety

Earlier this semester, I posted about my struggle with mild anxiety on Facebook.  I discussed how what I was dealing with may not be a big deal to some but it was/is a big deal to me.  How do you explain to people about the weight resting on your heart or how hard it is sometimes to get out of bed when they don’t experience it?  It can be crippling.

I am going to be honest once again, these past 10 years have broken me.  I never imagined that my dad and his siblings would all be gone in a span of seven years.  I never imagined I would have to bury students or have to worry about my friends’ safety overseas.  I never imagined a lot of things that have happened.  Maybe I was still dreaming that life would be butterflies, rainbow unicorn poop ice cream, and warm fuzzies.

My heart is a series of patches glued back together by God.  Grief is like the ocean to me.   There are days when I am fine, and there are days when it hits me hard.  Anxiety and depression are the same.   Mental health is not necessarily often discussed in the Christian circle.  There is a stigma attached to it, and I think people are afraid to admit when they are struggling because it makes them less “Christian.”  Or something is wrong with your relationship with God if you continue to struggle, and He isn’t healing you of the anxiety/depression.  There was one point that I was stuck with the “Well if your dad isn’t being healed maybe you don’t have enough faith.”   Cut the bull crap.  Those are lies trying to defeat you and me.

Ya’ll I am a horrible Christian.  I mess up every single day someway or another, and yet I know that God continues to forgive me and use me.  I am so thankful for His grace and mercy.  Each day is a new day.  A new day to choose to overcome the obstacles life brings.  Each day is a new day to choose joy.

2 Timothy 1:7 states, and I loosely quote, “For God did not give me a spirit of fear or timidity but one of strength, love, and a sound mind.”  I cling to that verse daily, especially with new obstacles being tossed at me.  God did not give Erin a spirit of fear or timidity….but He gave Erin a spirit of strength, of love, and a spirit of sound mind.  There is freedom in that verse for me.  There is freedom in God.  Life hurts but yet I find my joy and my strength in Him.

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